Okay, so here is a post that it likely to spark some hefty debate and varied responses. At what age/stage to you let your child (teenager) travel into the big city to attend an event such as the cricket, football, soccer or concert by themselves? By using the term ‘by themselves’ I am referring to, with a friend/ mate or group of friends.

This very subject has, I’m sure been a topic of intense debate between parents for many decades.
It certainly was when I was a teenager. I can still recall my mother not allowing me to ride the forty minute train trip with fifteen or so of my classmates to attend a birthday party when I was fifteen years old and in Year 10 at school. I was the ONLY ONE who had to be dropped off and picked up by my mum!

Indeed this has been the very topic of (often heated) debate between my husband and I over the past nine months- not to mention various opinions thrown in by grandparents, aunties, uncles, neighbours and anyone else who happens in on this conversation. At what stage do you allow your child to experience the world with a bit more freedom than was previously afforded them? When do you begin to let go of the reins?

Adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg has said “past actions and behaviours are a good predictor of future actions and behaviours.” In other words, if your child/teenager has been responsible and safe in their past behaviours and experiences, chances are they will act accordingly in the future. I think this is wise advice.

So the most recent debate in our household came up several weeks before Christmas when my fourteen and eleven month old son (who I can still picture CLEARLY as a toddler) wanted to attend the Boxing Day Cricket Test (a big event in Melbourne!) at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with his best mate…..alone!!! Unaccompanied!!!
Now, whilst his best mate could quite possibly pass for eighteen years (despite being a week younger that my son) my son would be a stretch to pass for fourteen! (Just picture the movie ‘Twins’ starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger and you’ll get the visual!)

Heated debate ensued with my husband. Words such as ‘cotton wool parent’ and ‘Molly coddler’ were thrown at me, whilst I defended that it wasn’t my son’s actions that concerned me, rather the drunken idiots that would glass people for looking at them the wrong way!

Our compromise was that I would also attend the Boxing Day Test, but I would go ‘incognito.’
In other words, I would “Ghost the boys!” If you are familiar with the movie “Drillbit Taylor” starring Owen Wilson, you’ll get a visual of the situation. In the hilarious movie, Wilson plays a bodyguard to a group of schoolboys who are being bullied during their first year of high school. One of my favourite lines uttered by Wilson in the movie goes

“Just because you can’t see me, doesn’t mean I’m not here!”

And so began our day.
My mission, I stated, was not to talk to the boys or approach them- but just be around.
My plan began to become a little unstuck a mere five minutes into the experiment when the boys of course, successfully purchased their tickets and boarded the train city bound, whilst the train doors closed on me as I was still trying to work out how to ‘validate’ my ticket! Surely it’s valid because I just purchased it!!!

After yelling at the train doors to open, I was comfortably seated on the train and ready to get stuck into reading my new book. Fully immersed into Chapter Two of my book, I was suddenly interrupted by a startling “MUM!!!!!”

“What! Are you in trouble son? I knew you would need me!” (I thought)
“Mum!” my son called out again from somewhere within the carriage. “You have to change trains here!”
Fail number two to mum! If not for my son paying attention, I’d be somewhere on the other side of the city by bow heading out to Geelong!

We soon arrived in the city and the swarm of travellers flowed like larva to the hallowed turf of the Melbourne Cricket Ground. I left the boys at the station and instructed that I would meet them at our seats in the stadium. This was something that I really needed to do on my own, to prove to myself that I didn’t need two teenage boys to find my way to the cricket in one piece!
I am happy to report that I arrived comfortably at my seat a safe 3 minutes before the boys appeared. I must also mention here that it was my fourteen and eleven month old son who sliced up the left over leg ham from Christmas Day, made sandwiches for himself and his mate, not to mention packing drinks, snacks AND sunscreen!!

As I settled in Chapter 5 of my book, I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of these young men. Whilst they came and went to various sections of the ground during the day, the crowd was quite reasonably behaved. In fact, the most risqué event that I witnessed was a group of fans who attempted to produce the world’s longest snake by putting hundreds of plastic beer cups together- an event that was soon ceased by the fun police!

As I followed the boys back to the station to board the train home (as I had absolutely NO idea which direction the train station was- BOY that MCG has a LOT of exits!!) I have to admit that Dr Michael Carr-Gregg’s advice is not too far off the mark. I actually thoroughly enjoyed this excursion today, with two very responsible and kind young men- who even asked this lady, if I’d like to sit with them on the train ride home!

Okay, so here is a post that it likely to spark some hefty debate and varied responses. At what age/stage to you let your child (teenager) travel into the big city to attend an event such as the cricket, football, soccer or concert by themselves? By using the term ‘by themselves’ I am referring to, with a friend/ mate or group of friends.

This very subject has, I’m sure been a topic of intense debate between parents for many decades.
It certainly was when I was a teenager. I can still recall my mother not allowing me to ride the forty minute train trip with fifteen or so of my classmates to attend a birthday party when I was fifteen years old and in Year 10 at school. I was the ONLY ONE who had to be dropped off and picked up by my mum!

Indeed this has been the very topic of (often heated) debate between my husband and I over the past nine months- not to mention various opinions thrown in by grandparents, aunties, uncles, neighbours and anyone else who happens in on this conversation. At what stage do you allow your child to experience the world with a bit more freedom than was previously afforded them? When do you begin to let go of the reins?

Adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg has said “past actions and behaviours are a good predictor of future actions and behaviours.” In other words, if your child/teenager has been responsible and safe in their past behaviours and experiences, chances are they will act accordingly in the future. I think this is wise advice.

So the most recent debate in our household came up several weeks before Christmas when my fourteen and eleven month old son (who I can still picture CLEARLY as a toddler) wanted to attend the Boxing Day Cricket Test (a big event in Melbourne!) at the Melbourne Cricket Ground with his best mate…..alone!!! Unaccompanied!!!
Now, whilst his best mate could quite possibly pass for eighteen years (despite being a week younger that my son) my son would be a stretch to pass for fourteen! (Just picture the movie ‘Twins’ starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger and you’ll get the visual!)

Heated debate ensued with my husband. Words such as ‘cotton wool parent’ and ‘Molly coddler’ were thrown at me, whilst I defended that it wasn’t my son’s actions that concerned me, rather the drunken idiots that would glass people for looking at them the wrong way!

Our compromise was that I would also attend the Boxing Day Test, but I would go ‘incognito.’
In other words, I would “Ghost the boys!” If you are familiar with the movie “Drillbit Taylor” starring Owen Wilson, you’ll get a visual of the situation. In the hilarious movie, Wilson plays a bodyguard to a group of schoolboys who are being bullied during their first year of high school. One of my favourite lines uttered by Wilson in the movie goes

“Just because you can’t see me, doesn’t mean I’m not here!”

And so began our day.
My mission, I stated, was not to talk to the boys or approach them- but just be around.
My plan began to become a little unstuck a mere five minutes into the experiment when the boys of course, successfully purchased their tickets and boarded the train city bound, whilst the train doors closed on me as I was still trying to work out how to ‘validate’ my ticket! Surely it’s valid because I just purchased it!!!

After yelling at the train doors to open, I was comfortably seated on the train and ready to get stuck into reading my new book. Fully immersed into Chapter Two of my book, I was suddenly interrupted by a startling “MUM!!!!!”

“What! Are you in trouble son? I knew you would need me!” (I thought)
“Mum!” my son called out again from somewhere within the carriage. “You have to change trains here!”
Fail number two to mum! If not for my son paying attention, I’d be somewhere on the other side of the city by bow heading out to Geelong!

We soon arrived in the city and the swarm of travellers flowed like larva to the hallowed turf of the Melbourne Cricket Ground. I left the boys at the station and instructed that I would meet them at our seats in the stadium. This was something that I really needed to do on my own, to prove to myself that I didn’t need two teenage boys to find my way to the cricket in one piece!
I am happy to report that I arrived comfortably at my seat a safe 3 minutes before the boys appeared. I must also mention here that it was my fourteen and eleven month old son who sliced up the left over leg ham from Christmas Day, made sandwiches for himself and his mate, not to mention packing drinks, snacks AND sunscreen!!

As I settled in Chapter 5 of my book, I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of these young men. Whilst they came and went to various sections of the ground during the day, the crown was quite reasonably behaved. In fact, the most risqué event that I witnessed was a group of fans who attempted to produce the world’s longest snake by putting hundreds of plastic beer cups together- an event that was soon ceased by the fun police!

As I followed the boys back to the station to board the train home (as I had absolutely NO idea which direction the train station was- BOY that MCG has a LOT of exits!!) I have to admit that Dr Michael Carr-Gregg’s advice is not too far off the mark. I actually thoroughly enjoyed this excursion today, with two very responsible and kind young men- who even asked this lady, if I’d like to sit with them on the train ride home!

In my first two years of teaching High School students, I will happily admit now that I had little idea how to relate to teenagers, let alone those with bad attitudes, negative self image and distaste for being in school and having to learn. Talk about a steep learning curve! As you would expect of a young, naïve twenty two year old graduate, I made many mistakes in those early days when dealing with the attitudes of my students. They should listen when I was speaking and shouldn’t misbehave. Boy! Did I have a great deal to learn!!

I recall being in a particularly challenging second year of teaching. I had an especially mixed bag of adolescent students, many of these dealing with some fairly significant issues in their own lives. And I was simply on a mission to be a good teacher and get through my curriculum. If they became ruse, or lashed out, I took it ever so personally, and discipline….talk about sergeant major!!

Well, it all soon came to a head, and I readily admit, I was one stressed out teacher with a class of thirty teenagers!! One evening, my husband and I were having dinner at a family friend’s home, and their teenage daughter just so happened to be in my class at school. (awkward much?) After dinner, I began talking with her about how school was going and how discontented or class seemed to be. I remember asking her point blank, what she thought- was why it just not working? To which she replied

“I think it’s because we don’t know if you actually like us!”
SMACK!!
Talk about a punch in the guts (metaphorically or course, this student didn’t just up and belt me one!)
What a wake up call!!!!

Right there and then, through the honest words of a thirteen year old (an how I am so grateful now for her honesty back then!) I understood where it was all going pear shaped for me! I was spending so much of my time and energy trying to get through my lessons, disciplining students who were mucking around and probably weren’t liking me that much as a teacher, and was quite frankly, drowning.

In that moment, I realised it was ALL ABOUT making a conscious effort to get to know my students, and more importantly, to demonstrate to them that I actually liked and valued them!

By far, this is one of my biggest lessons for those of you who have teens in your family or work with teens regularly.
Demonstrate- through your words and actions that you actually like them!

Now this may seem such a highly unrealistic goal right at this very moment for you, especially if your teenager is making life very difficult for you and your family or is being just plain defiant. But whilst we often do not like their attitudes and behaviours, we need to consistently reinforce to our children that we like them!

The number one complaint I hear from teenagers at school time and time again (aside from homework) hen they are struggling with a particular class or subject is “Mr or Mrs so and so doesn’t like me!!”
I try and reassure them that most teachers actually do like their students, and I’m sure this isn’t the case, but it does matter to them. Teenagers are particularly sensitive in their adolescent years and they are also very perceptive.

Young people are very much drawn to spending time with friends and adults they feel ‘like’ them. They will be naturally drawn to people that like and value them. Sound simple doesn’t it?
Make sure you take the time to demonstrate daily that you actually like and value the teens in your life.

Enjoy the journey!

Fast forward to the early hours of the next morning and my taxi fails to show! I call the company only to be put through to a call centre attendant who appears to be in an office in another country. Of course, when I enquire as to my taxi’s whereabouts she has no idea where he is- “perhaps he has broken down”, comes her reply. I am now twenty minutes late for leaving. I know the traffic will now be chaotic once we hit the freeway and I’ll now have to drive myself- all because I thought I’d take the less stressful option of booking a taxi!

Now I would LOVE to tell you right here how I gently reassured the call centre lady that all was well, and that the taxi company wasn’t to blame. However I am afraid my reaction wasn’t terrible helpful or courteous, as I furiously explained that this was my first ever experience with this taxi service, how I thought a booking generally meant that the taxi would indeed arrive, how could they not possibly know the whereabouts of my transport and how it would be their fault if I was not sitting in my chair ready for my interview when we went live to air!!

It got me thinking, that as parents, we have numerous opportunities daily, if not hourly to choose our reactions when all doesn’t go according to plan. As I write this, we are on a family getaway for the weekend in our caravan. Just this morning I was reading in bed (a luxury I often don’t get to enjoy) when my children decided to run through the confined space of our van, chasing each other. One push led to another, and before I knew it one child fell on to my bed curtain, ripping it off its ring.

To paint the picture more clearly, my husband LOVES his caravan- he polishes it with a rag and cleans it to perfection! So I could already anticipate his reaction to the torn curtain in his precious vehicle. Whilst the children sat in horror- each accusing the other of causing the problem, I went outside to the BBQ where hubby was cooking breakfast. I gently expressed by view of the importance of how we react as parents, and before he reacted to my news, could he possibly just count to ten Yes, he was angry when he found out about the damage, but he took the time- just a few moments to establish how he was going to choose to react to the children.
Teenagers can be notorious for pushing the buttons of their parents (and teachers). Often they may behave in a manner they even they feel is out of control. One of the greatest lessons I learnt about the importance of our reactions occurred several years ago, when I received a late night email from two of my students through my business email address. In their email, the two girls were explaining, quite politely I might add- how they were having some issues with my classroom management- particularly relating to them! They signed off by reinforcing that they admired me as a teacher and did not intend to offend me.

Now, my initial reaction was, I admit, a mixture of anger and hurt- however after a few minuted of careful consideration I realised it had taken a great deal of courage for these girls to actually put their thoughts and feelings into an email to a teacher, rather than the alternative which was to gossip and moan about their feelings. So I responded accordingly, and thanked them both for demonstrating maturity and the courteous way in which they wrote. I let them know that I would catch up with them the next day for a chat.

After our meeting the following day, where we listened to each other’s point of view- the girls took me aside and told me how thankful they were for my reaction to their email and that they hadn’t expected that from a teacher. They thought that most adults would react angrily to a teenager even daring to question them. They were so appreciative that they were responded to with grace.

Making it Practical

• When something happens to push your buttons, try taking a deep breath and count to ten (or fifty if needed!)

• Try not to react out of anger or frustration- it can only seek to inflame the situation and make it worse

• If you are unsure how to react to the situation, take time out and seek out a friend or family member to ask for advice and help

• Stop and think. How would you like this situation to be resolved? What would be your desired outcome?

• Don’t make threats or deal out punishments in the heat of battle or rage!

• Choose your battles. Is this one worth the energy?

We cannot always change our circumstances, but we ALWAYS have the choice as to how we will REACT in any given situation. Next time I order a taxi, I’ll be prepared to respond with Grace if and when it doesn’t show!

Take time to enjoy the parenting journey!

Sharon

Much has been written in the media of late regarding puberty in young children and when sex education ought to be introduced to children, particularly formal sex education at the school level. One recent article stated that new Melbourne research claims that “sex education should be fast tracked to children as young as five.” A La Trobe University study found that “The gap between formal lessons about sexuality is too great in Victorian Primary Schools.” The same report suggested that it was better for educators to get in too early than too late” on the subject of sex education

As an educator I have been primarily responsible for teaching our Puberty/ Sex Education curriculum to our Year 7 students for the best part of 18 years. It is an interesting stage for the students. You have some who feel they are well and truly ‘in the know’ about all things puberty related, whilst other students sit in the classroom with a face like a deer stuck in the headlights, hoping that the entire lesson will just vanish into space. And please, please! Don’t ask mean any questions!!!!
I actually really enjoy this part of the curriculum. I feel it is a privilege as an educator, to help guide students through this often tumultuous stage of their lives, and to help address their natural questions in a safe environment.

But what is the role of parents in this area, and when should we begin having these discussions with our own children? As an adolescent girl, I could think of nothing worse than being forced to talk to my mother about anything even remotely puberty related. I wanted the ground to open up and suck me under whenever she even broached the subject. I still recall my total horror and returning home from school one afternoon to find a brown paper bag on the end of my bed, containing a book about changes to my body- AAARRRH!!! I don’t even recall what I did with said book- but I NEVER even looked at it. And any further attempts to engage me in conversation for anything puberty related, was quickly dismissed by me.

In my own parenting journey, the road was quite steady when my teenage son hit adolescence. We found the doors of communication were wide open, and we have been able to hold quite civil conversations about anything puberty/ sex related. “Fantastic, wonderful parenting!” you may be thinking! STOP! Hold the press! Yes, it was going well, it’s easy I thought to myself, just be open and honest and make sure you’re child never feels it’s embarrassing to talk about puberty….until…. Miss pre-adolescent 10 year old appears…
I shouldn’t at all be surprised, yet I am! My pre-pubescent 10 year old daughter is TOTALLY mortified at any mention of the P word.

“Don’t even talk about it Mum”
“Eeeeew, you are totally disgusting!!”

I seriously don’t get it. I am an educator. I specialise in teaching all things puberty and sex related, heck I’ve even written two best-selling books on the subject for young people- why is it that my own flesh and blood refuses to engage in any mother/daughter discussions relating to her body? It comes down to personality, I have surmised. Some children will be more than happy to talk to their parents about embarrassing topics such as puberty, and others would prefer to hear it from someone NOT related to them in any way-ie: the school nurse or teacher.

When it comes to discussions about sex and puberty with your adolescent, many parents may want to bury their heads under the doona and avoid ‘that chat’! My experience has been however, if you keep discussions as open and honest as you can with your child, the less likely it is to be a major issue.Know this! Our child will hear information from a variety of sources. Wouldn’t you rather they receive the correct information from you?

Most schools will have visits from a school nurse during the Senior Primary years, who may run introductory sessions about what to expect during puberty and may introduce the concept of conception, so that students have a basic understanding of how babies are conceived. This will hopefully form a good basis for discussion in the home, where you can follow up information and discussions from school.

Increasingly however, children are going through the early changes of puberty earlier than ever before. There are a number of factors offered for this, including changes to the Western diet to hormones found in some foods.

Be alert to the changes your child may be experiencing with their body and try and encourage an open dialogue with your child, or an adult they trust.

Now I am fully aware that for some parents, perhaps dues to their own upbringing, religion or family or parental circumstances, talking to your adolescent about sex can be as mortifying and painful as pulling out your own fingernails! Do not feel distressed if this is a difficult topic for you to have a conversation about. There are some fantastic resources and books available in the marketplace that you can give to your child (but please, don’t hand it to them in a brown paper bag!)

Many parents have shared with me that they will sit in bed with their child at night and read a chapter out of a puberty book together- then discuss these point.

Whatever you do, make sure your child has someone in their life that they know they can talk about body issues with. If not you, perhaps approach a close relative or Youth Pastor that they would be happy to talk to.
In my experience, most adolescents are most eager to find out more about their body’s function (once they get over the initial embarrassment of the topic) and how these changes occur. And even though they might snigger and act embarrassed at first, many teens find the creation of new life and understanding the growth of a baby, fascinating.

I also find that many adolescents experience fears and concerns at some point about the changes they are experiencing during the onset of puberty. For this reason alone, I believe it is important that we try and facilitate an active dialogue with our children about this topic, and allow frequent opportunities for them to ask questions or share concerns without causing any undue embarrassment.

TIPS FOR TALKING PUBERTY WITH YOUR CHILDREN:

• - Rather than waiting for the big CHAT, encourage ongoing dialogue with your children as they grow up
• - Don’t assume that your child doesn’t know anything about puberty- you’ll be surprised at what gets discussed in the playground at school
• - Provide resources that your child can read only if they show interest
• - Talk about your own experiences of growing up, with your children- look for teachable moments!
• - If your child is going through puberty at an earlier age than expected, reassure them that they are perfectly normal and okay.
• - Avoid making constant referrals to body changes- your child will probably feel self- conscious enough, without parents and relatives adding to their embarrassment.

“I think my teenagers know more than me about this subject! We have always been really open in discussing sex and puberty in our household, and have answered questions as they arose. Sometimes I think you can give too much information and not really address the simple questions they are asking. We need to be careful not to give them more detail than they require at certain stages.”

Alyce, mother of three

“I believe in giving simple explanations to solve a child’s curiosity, and then address more information as they reach adolescence. Always address their questions and never say ‘I’ll discuss it later.’ This way your teenager knows that you are approachable.”

Cathy, mother of teen son & daughter

“It is better that your teenager finds out the truth from us parents, rather than through school yard chatter. It’s also important to discuss these issues in relation to your family values, beliefs and standards.”

Marg, mother of two teenagers

“I just answered questions, age appropriate, as they were asked, so that when my children entered adolescence, it was quite natural for them to ask me questions. I much preferred my children to ask me questions they were curious about, rather than receiving often distorted views of truth dorm the school yard or other places.”

Jennifer, mother of four

Resources:
Teen Talk- Girl Talk
Teen Talk- Guy Talk
Available at www.teentalkinternational.com

A recent documentary from the UK tells the disturbing story of Fred and Diane, parents of seven year old Georgina who want her taken into full time care due to years of frustrating behavioural issues. Young Georgina has been removed from at least six child care facilities in her young life and her parents are unable to control her significant abusive and disturbing behaviour. Perhaps the most shocking and confronting point in the documentary was when the mother referred to her daughter as ‘it’ and discussed how she had the opportunity to ‘get rid of it when it was just a foetus’ and how she regrets the decision every day. How gut wretchingly sad, to get to this point in a family where a child’s negative behaviour causes a family to implode!

I discussed this documentary and the issue of behavioural issues with Sophie Falkiner on the Kerri-Anne show this morning. The question was put to me with regards to violent and abusive behaving in children, “is in nature or nurture?” In other words, is it the parent’s fault if their child is abusive and displays out of control behaviour, or is it a biological part of their nature? In many cases, this is difficult to ascertain. Certainly in the case of Fred and Diane’s daughter, she had been subjected to numerous medical investigations, including blood tests, brain scans and psychological evaluations with no diagnosis apparent. Later in the documentary, a counsellor comes into their home and explains to the couple that their own behaviour, lack of boundaries and disengagement with their child is causing the issues.

Certainly we cannot point the blame soley on parents when children exhibit aggressing and disturbing behaviour. However it is not always the child’s fault either. It comes down to looking at individual cases. In some situations, parents are clearly not reinforcing boundaries and allow children to get away with violent and anti-social behaviours. When parents repeatedly ignore or allow children to get away with unacceptable behaviour, they are only setting their child up for negative patterns to continue. Children require firm boundaries, and need to be taught from an early age, what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, as well as how to interact socially with other children. It was quite disturbing to read in the media yesterday that in Queensland, almost 400 children aged 4-6 were suspended from school for aggressive or socially unacceptable behaviour.
So what of the biological issues of aggressive behaviour? As any parent of a child with a diagnosed behavioural disorder, it is a difficult road of ‘Is this normal behaviour’ to unhelpful and negative comments from others about ‘naughty behaviour’. At what stage does a parent realise that the abusive and anti-social behaviours are not just a child pushing boundaries and being naughty, to something is not right with them medically.

Parents I have spoken to suggest that it is usually a combination of trying many methods to control the child, with little success, to professionals coming to the parent and explaining that there are some behavioural issues that need further investigation. Often a kinder (early childhood) teacher will pick up on continued anti -social and aggressive behaviour, or the early primary school teacher. In these cases, follow up is required with a GP and referral to a paediatrician who will conduct full behavioural analysis to hopefully reach a diagnosis and a way forward. We also need to be mindful, that as distressing as behavioural issues are for the parents and indeed the entire family unit, it must certainly cause a level of angst to the child itself as it battles through uncontrollable behaviours and usually a lack of social interaction with others.

Certainly this is a highly controversial and sensitive subject. I would love to hear your thoughts. In the meantime, I have included some helpful websites below if you are a parent dealing with a child who has behavioural issues. It’s not easy and you need a great deal of support. For more support with this issue, visit the following websites.

www.lifeline.org
www.familydoctor.org
www.adhdsupport.com
www.parenting.org
www.aifs.gov.au
www.easierparenting.com.au

For more on this story:

The Age

The Sydney Morning Herald

Now you are probably thinking right now “Aren’t you an educator!?? How can you condone giving permission for a child to take a day off school!?”

Well, let me reassure you here! We are talking here about one day in the whole school year, and I firmly believe that the benefits far outweigh any negative effects on your child missing seven hours of their school career. Of course I am not advocating that they choose to take the day right in the middle of their mid -year exams or when they have a presentation due! But this is a date that is pre-planned and entered onto the family calendar. Of course, inform your child’s teacher also. However it is unmistakably a date! You might call it in your household a ‘love bomb’ day, Mother/Daughter, Mother/son date- whatever you choose to call it, ensure that it is a day (or weekend if you like) totally set aside for them.

The idea is that your child gets you entirely to themselves for that entire period (no quickly nicking into the post office to pay the electricity bill, no phone calls, email) just one on one time.

Your child gets to plan the entire day of their choosing- and yes, you may have to bite your tongue if they want to go look at cricket bats all day or try on clothes! You don’t necessarily have to leave the home but it does give it a sense of being a special treat of you do something out of the ordinary.

Ideas include:

• -Brekky at a fancy restaurant (yes, Maccas is a little but fancy!)

• -Dinner and a concert

• -Go carting

• -Lunch and movies

• -Shopping

• -spend the entire day at a theme park or amusement park

• Visit the Zoo

• Go for a drive & picnic at the beach

• Spend the night at a hotel and have breakfast together in the morning

• Visit the museum, Art Gallery or Sports Museum

• Go to a cricket, tennis or Football match

Ensure that there is some time during the day that you can chat with your child and see how they are going. By love bombing your teen for the day and giving them your undivided attention, you are reinforcing that you love them and they matter immensely to you- enough for you to give up your entire day doing things that matter to them!
If you find that you are going through a difficult stage of the relationship with your teenager, the love bomb day can be a saving grace. Even if your child is angry and frustrated with you and is struggling to communicate, you will demonstrate to then that you love and care for them and that your relationship is important to you!

“About once per year, my mum takes me out for lunch and for a shopping trip instead of going to school. I feel totally happy and loved when we have this special treat.”

Jemma, age 14

‘You are sowing the flowers of tomorrow in the seeds of today’
Author unknown

‘Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves.’
Marcelene Cox

I was recently on a school camp when we encountered extreme weather conditions, resulting in our campsite losing our large marquee shelters to heavy winds and minor student injuries. We approached a nearby group of teenagers who were staying nearby with three police officers, as part of a program for teenagers at risk. Immediately, their leaders prompted them into action and it was a real joy to see these young men working alongside our own teen students to fix our campsite.

Some hours later we thanked each young man personally for their assistance in what was quite a difficult and extreme situation. I watched their chests puffed out with pride as our students offered personal thanks and praise. I was later told by the program’s team leader, that for many of these troubled youths, this was a rare opportunity for them to receive praise and encouragement. How this saddened me!

Just this week, we held a special school assembly in honour of these young men, and it was wonderful to see them each receive an official, framed Police Certificate of Merit for their assistance that evening. They received this award in front of the police members, our staff, students and School Principal, and most importantly in front of their parents and siblings.

Actively seeking ways in which you can look for the gold in your teenager each day can provide great ways to build your child’s self image. If they complete a task without you asking (I know this might be a rare occurrence in your household!) take the opportunity to thanks them. Let them know that you notice the good that they do.

If our boss at work encourages us or sends a nice email, it does wonders for our self image and makes us want to work better and harder. Imagine what this does for your child!

“Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”
Proverbs 16: 24

The previous story I shared about our school camping trip highlights the importance of seeking opportunities to allow teenagers to shine.

All children have been created with unique gifts, talents and abilities- sometimes it takes a bit of prompting for these to be unlocked. Some children will display their gift naturally, such as sporting abilities that provide ready opportunities for praise. But what of the teenagers who is not at all sporty or lacks academic abiltity? These children may run the risk of not receiving regular encouragement in the school environment,.

Perhaps your child thrives when they are active and ‘hands on’, such as mowing the lawn or making the family dinner. I have lost count of the number of times I have been frustrated with a student in the confines of the classroom who refuses to sit still and focus for even five minutes. This same student will then surprise me by being willing and able to help out with whatever is required once we get outdoors on a school camp or other physically demanding activity, whether this be assisting other students in setting up their tents or collecting buckets of water for the cooks on camp. It is these opportunities that provide the golden opportunities to allow our children to shine!

My teen son had to complete four hours of community service twice in one year as part of his school curriculum. Initially, when he first received this assignment he wasn’t overly enthused about pulling weeds out of someone else’s garden or picking up litter around the local recreational reserve. However, once he completed each task, he admitted that he felt really great about himself and personally encouraged that he had served someone else.

Opportunities for your child to shine….

• Encourage your child to do something for someone else, without payment. Eg: mow the neighbour’s lawn, babysitting
• Give your child the responsibility of cooking the family’s dinner one or two nights per week.
• Encourage them to take up a new interest or passion such as:

       Singing            childminding           painting
       Fishing             a new sport            photography
       Drawing           painting                  cooking
       Carpentry        story writing            bike riding          Computer programming

It might take a few starts before they find something that excites them, but encourage them to begin somewhere.

‘Any human anywhere will blossom in a hundred unexpected talents and capacities simply by being given the opportunity to do so’
Doris Lessing

‘For many children, joy comes as the result of mining something unique and wondrous about themselves from some inner shaft.’
Thomas J. Cottle